Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.