Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.