Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great