Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

nobody’s gonna understand

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.