Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
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Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
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Local Singles 7.8 Mile
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.