Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
You Might Also Like
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils