Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
that’s really how it is
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.