Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Oh yeah that’s it
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
White Castle for the Win
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
What about second breakfast?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
🤣🤣
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”