Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

sure, why not

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”