Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.