Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“you look easy to draw”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.