Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’