Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
You Might Also Like
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Schrödinger’s cookie
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.