Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.