*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Sell your car
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
rapatouille
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
