Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.