Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?