Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™