Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
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Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite