Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

drake the first dude to lose super bowl halftime show

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.