Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.