Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Banking tips
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
