Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.