Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
i want it utterly assaulted.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika