Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

rest in peas

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Wolves should really raise more people.

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.