Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]
ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?
LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
dog person: do you like dogs or cats
me: all pets are good 🙂
dog person: dogs or cats?
me: i like them in different ways
dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?
You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.
Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think