@TheHyyyype

[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it

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@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

@iGreenGod

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

@IncredibleCulk

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

@Skoog

dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good 🙂

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?

@Karate_Horse

You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this

@junejuly12

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

@chewlongkok_

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

@MaladjustedMind

Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom

@capnwatsisname

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think