@TheHyyyype

[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it

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@DanMentos

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

@catstronomical

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

@TequilaTears

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”

@therealeatwood

PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family

EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?

PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No

@EndhooS

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

@usermcuserface

Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every..
*gets tased*

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

@VeroniKaboom

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”