Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

why neck hurt

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.