Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week