Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

“no gods no masters” = leo

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Education is vital

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.