I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I was up all night reading about insomnia
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…