Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

something like this could probably happen to anyone

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

i’m sure it’s fine