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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
kevin is now a local weatherman
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.