Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

a public service announcement

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

🤣

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that