Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.