Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”