Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Lmfao

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.