@THEDUTHCHESS

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

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@Reverend_Scott

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@Brocklesnitch

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

@cowboyjeffkent

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

@HenpeckedHal

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

@mrjohndarby

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day