I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.