Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.