Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.