today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
#damn
I’m aging like a fine banana
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie