Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.