Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people