logging onto twitter…
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
This could be us… but you playing
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Those are good neighbors.