logging onto twitter…
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.