logging onto twitter…
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods