Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

🖕🏻👽

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice