Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
You Might Also Like
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
#Caturday
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
