Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.