Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharon, call the vet

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

“What?”
– Jude

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.