Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

stop

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…