*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration