*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
twitter is a journey
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv