Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions