Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!