Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

I used the label maker

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

is this a warning or an offer?

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.