Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense