*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The Punning Dead.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see