Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes yes a thousand times yes!

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.