*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there![]()
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I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.