*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.