*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.