Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

Sunday

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

There is no try. There is only give up.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Jupiter

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house