Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy