Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.

So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday