Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”