Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1838618446684127239/pu/vid/avc1/720x642/WxErNw-I6UVUODC_.mp4?tag=12

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

getting groceries

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first