Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.