Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant