Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
lol
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot