Lois Lane spends a lonely afternoon at the beach because she doesn’t recognize any of her friends in sunglasses.

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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.


My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.


Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!


Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*


Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”


I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.


*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.


Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.