Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Yeah. This was me today.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming