Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

why am I working on Labor Day

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes