Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika