Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Them: You should try keto
Me:

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”