Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.